Depressed? You're Not Alone

Depression does not care if you have a good life. It has been fourteen years since I was first diagnosed with depression, and in that time I have always had a comfortable, easy life. There were the occasional traumas and tragedies that would warrant being sad or depressed, but the majority of the time, my major depression has occurred for no reason at all. Dealing with this diagnosis since the age of thirteen has been an interesting journey. I was socialized to believe that if you were depressed, you were crazy or there was something wrong with you. The more I learn about mental health, the more I realize that I am not crazy and I am not alone. There are so many people out there who experience severe depression (not to mention anxiety, PTSD, etc.) but do not feel comfortable talking about it.

There needs to be a more open dialog among EVERYONE about mental health. Being open with each other about how we are really feeling is the only way we can break the stigma. Talking about my depression helps me to connect with others who also feel depressed. Being honest about my mental health helps me to feel more normal. I should not be carrying around shame for being depressed. It is not my fault and I should not have to pretend like it doesn't happen to me. Depression sucks away all of my creative and positive energy. The things that I normally love to do are completely uninteresting to me. This has gotten so bad before that it has hurt relationships in my life and prevented me from obtaining a promotion at work. I will often times disappear from my social life like a ghost with zero explanation to the ones I love. It is not fair to them to just go silent, so I have started to speak up. When someone asks me where I have been for the past few weeks or months, I will say “I haven’t really been doing much, I’ve been really depressed lately.” If I am no longer depressed, I will say that too, but it is funny to see the reaction people have when I say this. Half the time I get a pitied or confused look from someone who can't believe I just told them that, but the other half of the time I receive love and support.

It is important to be honest about how you're feeling with the ones around you, but depression can make that hard too. In my lowest mental state, I literally convince myself that the people around me don’t love me, I am not worthy of their love, or that they wouldn’t want to be bothered with my mental health issues. This is one of the most important reasons why everyone needs to be aware of the signs and symptoms of depression, and make sure we are checking in on our loved ones. There is a difference between asking your friend how they are doing, and really lending a listening ear to a friend who might need someone to talk to. If someone close to you stops acting like their normal self or becomes distant for no apparent reason, check on them. I am not telling you to become a shoulder to cry on or a pseudo-therapist for everyone you know, but just be aware of the changes in the ones you truly care about. Our lives are short and unpredictable; let the ones you love know you are there for them. This alone could stop someone from taking their own life.

Being depressed is a horrible feeling. The more awareness I gain around my depression, the more I fight to get out of it. Feelings of hopelessness and unworthiness creep into my daily life and normal tasks become difficult. The cleanliness of my apartment is a direct reflection of my mental state. Picking up my clothes off the floor or folding clean laundry seems pointless, dishes pile up, I neglect to go grocery shopping, and my self-care goes by the wayside. I have to literally force myself to do simple daily tasks like shower, brush my teeth, wash my face, and brush my hair. There have been days where I have stayed in my bed for the entire day and done nothing other than cuddle my cats and watch Netflix simply because I could not find the motivation to do one thing I loved.

Having major depression for over half my life has forced me to come up with a fake face to put on to get through my daily tasks where other people are around. When I’m depressed, I am very much so “moving through the motions” and do the absolute minimum that I need to do to scrape by and not lose my job (or my husband for that matter). I work full time with children and they can always tell if I am “sad,” so I have perfected my ability to fake happiness around them over the past five years, but I have been working to change this. There have been a few devastating occasions recently where I have come into work crying and had to tell my kids that I was just not having a good day and to please be good listeners for me. Luckily I have found a workplace that allows me to be human and feel my deepest emotions when shit is hitting the fan. It feels so much better to be able to go into my boss and tell her “hey, this horrible thing just happened, I might be a little off today,” rather than having to just pretend like everything is okay. My students are so loving and supportive too. They may not understand what it means to be depressed, but they can understand sadness and all they want to do is give you love if they find out you are sad. On my worst days, I almost always come out of work a little happier because of my students. Being more honest with my emotions has allowed me to process my recently experienced traumas better than ones in the past.

Pretending like everything is okay is what causes us to not be able to get past depression or traumas, whether that is consciously or subconsciously, and I am sick of pretending. Being open about how bad I am really feeling allows me to continue on with my daily tasks without as much of a struggle as before when I would be ignoring my emotions and pretending like everything was okay. I can now have the courage to go into work and tell the truth rather than hide in my bed and take a sick day. A few years ago when I was going through severe depression, I almost lost my job because of how much I called off. I did not feel like I could be honest with my employer about why I was not coming in which led to me making up excuses to call out and then in turn cost me a promotion. This had nothing to do with my employer; I still have a great relationship with them. It was my own fear that they would not accept me for who I was as a “crazy” person that prevented me from telling them the truth. Depression has a serious impact on people’s lives and it should not be taken lightly. If someone you loves tell you they’re depressed, do not ignore them.

Seeking help for your depression does not make you weak. When I was in eighth grade I started going to talk therapy with a psychologist. I’m not sure that I ever told anyone at the time outside of my best friend Kelly and a few family members. I saw that therapist until sophomore year of high school and then I did not go back to talk therapy until college. I did however start taking Prozac while in high school. I have had an on and off relationship with my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications, which I will talk about more in another post, but I am currently taking Zoloft which I started in April of 2018. Taking medication does not make me any less of a normal person. In fact, it makes me more of a normal person. One of the most important parts of my mental health journey was realizing that I needed outside help. Once I realized talk therapy was not doing enough on its own, I started taking medication again. Sometimes medication IS necessary, and in my case that is definitely true.

My journey with mental health is ongoing and I am not sure there will ever be a day when I am “cured,” but I will do my best to become to the best version of myself that I possibly can and forgive myself for those times when I am not feeling like the best version of myself. Depression is just one aspect of my complicated mental health diagnosis, so if you would like to hear more about my anxiety and PTSD, continue to follow my blog! Thank you so much for reading. If you enjoyed this view into what depression looks like for me, please feel free to share my blog, or keep up with me on my other social media platforms!

Namaste

Jules

IG: @highvibesyogi

FB: Jules Beedle-Yoga, Health, & Fitness

E-Mail: julieannebeedle@gmail.com

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