Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: The Dark Side of My Mental Health

I have been actively avoiding writing this blog post. In April of 2018, I was diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). For me, this was in some form, a relief. Years had gone by without knowing what exactly was wrong, but that is mostly because I avoided going to the doctor. When I was living in Texas, I took a test through my Therapist’s office and the results came back saying that I had bipolar tendencies. I have always known that I have an anger problem, but I have NEVER in my life had a manic episode. A manic episode is described as having a lot of energy, feeling jumpy or wired, talking really fast about a lot of things at once, engaging in risky behavior, and more. [1] I have experienced a depressive episode, which I am very open about, but something I have not been as open about is my explosive outbursts of rage. Very few people who know me have actually seen me enraged, which makes it even harder to talk about.

I have chronic PTSD. Opening up about WHY I have PTSD is not something I ready to go into detail about. For now, I will speak generally about PTSD, with a few personal example thrown in that I feel comfortable sharing. Symptoms of PTSD can show up soon after a traumatic event, or appear years later. Recovery is possible, but unfortunately I developed the chronic kind. Every day I am working on healing my mind and my body and strive to learn as much as I can about PTSD so I can move past the “chronic” diagnosis and move towards a recovered, healed life. The main symptoms that need to be present for diagnosis are having re-experiencing symptoms, avoidance symptoms, arousal and reactivity symptoms, and cognition and mood symptoms.

Re-experiencing symptoms include: “flashbacks—reliving the trauma over and over, including physical symptoms like a racing heart or sweating, bad dreams, [or] Frightening thoughts.”[2] Avoidance symptoms are exactly what they sound like; you avoid the places, events, or things that remind you of a particularly traumatizing event. For instance, I was sexually assaulted by a friend of a friend, so I would purposefully avoid going to events where this person was present. Luckily I have changed my life enough to the point where I am no longer associating myself with people who associate with him; it’s just kinder to myself to avoid him all together.

Signs of arousal include trouble sleeping, difficulty concentrating or remembering, hyper vigilance, exaggerated startle response, and irritability or outbursts of anger, to name a few. Hyper vigilance can be described as feeling vulnerable, fearful, or unsafe while in safe places. A perfect example of this happened this past weekend. I was at a bar in a small town with a few close friends. All of the other people there were friends of my close friends. Even though I knew that it was a super safe environment, my guard was up HIGH. I was avoiding meeting new people and actively removing myself from the dance floor if I started to feel uncomfortable. I feel like my guard has only gotten higher as I have started to unfurl this huge web of trauma that is stored in my body; it is like I am constantly in a state of fear, and I hate it. That is why I am working so hard to repair this damage.

An exaggerated startle response is something that I experience on a regular basis. One example is when people come up from behind me and either tap me on the shoulder without warning, or they do not announce themselves until they are close to me. I will LITERALLY jump or scream in the middle of my work place if someone scares me on accident; it’s actually quite embarrassing at times. The worst part of having PTSD is the irritability and outbursts of anger. This “might be displayed as smashing things, heated arguing, flying off the handle, screaming, intense criticizing, or impatience. Unresolved anger is fatiguing. It might be mixed with shame, frustration, betrayal, or other uncomfortable emotions that lead to moodiness and explosions of pent-up anger. One might then feel embarrassed or guilty.”[3] The first time I read this passage in The PTSD Sourcebook, I felt like I was reading a book about myself. This is the truly scare part of having PTSD that makes me feel crazy.

Cognition and mood symptoms include negative self-talk, guilt or blame, or lack of interest in hobbies. Negative self-talk is the symptom that I am working the hardest on at the moment. I truly want to love myself but it is hard when I feel like such a broken person. Writing this blog post has even brought up some intense feelings that make me want to just stop here. For now, this is all I can talk about. These are just a few of the symptoms that I live with and experience on a regular basis with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. In the future I will give a deeper look into my experience with PTSD, my variety of treatments, and most importantly how PTSD has affected my body.

[1] https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/bipolar-disorder/index.shtml

[2] https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml

[3] The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook: A Guide to Healing, Recovery, and Growth by Glenn R. Schiraldi, Ph. D

[3] The Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook: A Guide to Healing, Recovery, and Growth by Glenn R. Schiraldi, Ph. D